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May. 10th, 2011

Teenage Witch, Into Adult Witch

    The Idea to change my blog from "Confessions of a Teenage Witch" to, "Confessions of a Good Witch"
came not only with my twentieth birthday, but with my overall transition into adult hood. Anyone who says they don't notice a change from nineteen to twenty is either exceedingly dull of overall unaware of the general way of their life. A lot has happened in the last several months, and even more so over the last year. I feel like a completely different person now. I wouldn't even know where to begin to tell you the changes that I have gone through, both emotionally, and spiritually. I think my first part is to tell you that, I'm in love and starting a family. Big step...I know. But its what we both wanted. I feel sometimes that I may not be ready for it...but I'm sure thats typical.
  
      I met this man, due entirely to my Brother. At the time, him and my brother both worked at a local arcade/amusement park and my brother had been hanging out a lot with him. So eventually, since me and my brother are relatively very close and share the same circle of friends he introduced the two of us. His name is Lex. Like most of my other relationships, I started out helping him get through some personal things, and because of this we inevitably became very close. It was only a matter of a weeks before it became obvious that we had something. It took both of us a lot of courage to take a leap and fall to faith. This finally led to us becoming a couple. As a couple, we got to know each other more and this continued for a while. This is the part that gets kind of upsetting to me. About two months into our relationship, he decided he wanted to pull back. I was crushed. Due to his personal past, and the things that I thought I was helping him with I thought we were getting someplace good. He continues to assure me that this was not my doing, and he really just needed time to this day. But as a girl...especially a young girl who has heard "I just need my space" or, "I just need time" more times than she can count, I wasn't to thrilled. We continued as close friends for about a month. 

      Over the course of the month however, we had several disagreements, and to the point where because of his past, I was ready to give up and just let it go, as I have had to do many times before. Fortunately it was also his past that was partially responsible for helping us get through what we needed to. Figuring it was for the best, I went away for a while. I love our sleepy little town to go find what it is we both needed to. 

      When I left, It was time I made a choice. I either went back to my train wreck of a life or I stayed where I was and just started again. It was really a decision between running away, or actually facing a problem. I'll be the first to tell you that I was running away. When I left it wasn't to give us our space, or to help solve our differences. I was running away. I died my hair, went cloths shopping, packed my belongings and left our town with the intention of not coming back. While away, I took to the point of actually enjoying myself and trying to find out who I was again.

       While I was away, I kept asking him "Do you want me to come back" and all he kept saying is "Its your decision". Which... by the way, was not what I wanted to hear. So, eventually, I got upset at him, and flat out told him "I don't think you understand that if you don't do anything, I'm staying here." After a long message, he finally came out and told me he wanted me to come home. Within three days I was on my way back into his arms. He told me that he loved me for the first time, and we've been together ever since. 

     As it stands now, we've got to dogs, and are looking for a place to settle down. In about a week, we're getting handfasted, Its not much but its a start. Sometimes, both of us have issues we have to work through, but overall Im very happy now.

    As for the rest of my life, its gotten much simpler, in some respects. I'm still a practicing witch, but now I have a full coven to practice with. They're all really great people, and Its something I really enjoy being a part of. Because of them, I have became very close to several other women whom all very quickly became just as family to me.

Jan. 18th, 2011

Gypsy Heart

Gypsy Heart

 

She loves him with all of her heart

Slowly and deeply, she moves

Her body moving to the soft echo

Of the Spanish Guitar

Adorned with beads and jewels

She dances in the sunset.

Like the ocean she breathes

With the curves of her body.

She loves him with all of her heart,

So deeply in the oncoming dark.

Melodic in rhythm for him.

Two hearts to make one, a whole,

As they create their world.

She lives for his smile,

The touch of his hand

Upon her soft silky skin.

Her hair that falls in curls,

Cascades down her back

As she kisses him sweetly,

In nothing but darkness.

They move now together,

The dance of young lovers.

She loves him with all of her heart.  

The Heart of a Gypsy.

Jan. 12th, 2011

Ill be a moons breath

She was running, and she had know that the second she left home. She was running from her problems, running from her responsibilities, and running from herself. Yes, it was running. Sure she had had other reasons on leaving. But the main reason was to escape. She couldn’t think of anything else to do… She felt stuck and suffocated  lost in the proverbial woods of life. She had packed up, and in the heat of the moment left everything she had ever known; The Castle, her Guardians, her family. And the man she loved. It had taken her to long she thought, to realize this wasn’t then answer. Had she enjoyed her journey? Yes, she had enjoyed making new friends and strengthening the bonds of newer ones. Yet, no amount of new friends could help her solve what she needed to solve.

                                It had taken a bit to realize and understand, but the only person that could solve her problems, was her. And she couldn’t do that unless she stood and fought for what she loved. No matter what the price was. She was the Evening Star. What good would she be, if  She couldn’t even help herself.

                                She gazed out the small window of the little house she had been so graciously welcomed into, without any expectations or responsibilities. She wasn’t a princess here, nor the Evening Star. She was just Fae. This life was normal. Playing with her softly curled golden hair. Just a face, in a crowd of unaware people. It’s not what she wanted, It had taken her this trip to realize that though. The lesson she had to learn was that she was exactly where she should be. When it was time, is when the things she wanted would fall into place. She was stronger than she thought she was. Or at least, she hoped that was the case. She would return to the Palace, and to her life. Back to her duties, and back to the ones she loved. She sang softly into the night wind that blew through the open window through the undrawn curtains, “I’ll be a moons breath, from your side”.

                                She would find what she needed…one day, she would leave the dark forest of her mind and in the light that she herself casted, would  be ready. Everything happens for a reason.

Jun. 14th, 2010

SFAWC: Thoughts on Organized Wicca

A post from my Blog

http://sfawc.blogspot.com/


So, I sit here at Six AM, after a long day of running around and getting things in order. I finally have time to return to you. I’m sitting here now, on a brand new computer, my comfy PJs, My writing glasses, and a pen in my hair my cat curled up on my desk and a nice cup of herbal tea. Perfection. If the last few months have been just as hectic for you as they have for me, I’m sure that you can understand when I say this is the first breath I’ve take that doesn’t feel out of place. Sometimes, we get so caught up in our life; we loose sight of what is actually important in our lives. The things we need to feel calm, at peace, and in a nice cushy center. More often than not, even the most experience Witches, Priestess, or Druids find themselves so wrapped up in life that they can forget who they are, or what we’re put on this planet for. We loose ourselves in personal relationships, or overwork ourselves, take on more than we can handle, and goddess knows what else.
However…sometimes, even after a long day a voice whispers in your ear and tells you to go and find that center. It feels like it’s been weeks since I’ve wrote anything, since I’ve helped anyone, and since I’ve had time to honour and praise the Lady & Lord and all of the workings of Magick that happen in our everyday lives. Now, I could sit here and tell you everything that has happened to me since I’ve stopped regular posting. I can sit here and post pictures that I should’ve, I can sit here and go on and on and on about the lessons that have made them self very much known in my lives (some harder to accept than others). However, If I did that, no good would come from it, and I wouldn’t be helping anyone. All I can do, is take what I have learned over the past few months, apply it to my life and hope that in my experience I can help those who need it. Whether we are eclectic Witches, Green Witches, Kitchen Witches, or a strange mix of whatever you are in the mood for…we all have one purpose. To help the world return to the Goddess and God. I mean, have we really made any headway in the last handful of years? Any actual headway?
A lot of Witches/Wiccans take pride in the fact that we have no established leader. It’s our way, to live in harmony with one another, to work hand in hand as equals to a common goal. Some would argue that the fact that we aren’t prosecuted is headway enough, that we can be witches in public, and that we can be open about who we are. Yes, all of these are wonderful things. And I would have to agree that that is actual headway. Especially when just a few decades ago, there were still Witch trials here in America. Besides all of those wonderful things, have we actually made any general public claim that we’re here to stay? Have we marched Washington DC and made it know that we’re not Devil Worshipers who still cast spells in the shadows? Two years ago, in a drama class I was taking, we had a substitute teacher, She noticed my pentacle necklace and asked what it meant. When I told her I was a Witch, in all seriousness she asked me if I could cast spells on her and fly…Now this was a College graduate mind you. (although, I do admit Flying on a broomstick would be amazing.) I think, that if we had an established leader…that we made ourselves as public as Christians, that we could erase the stereotype, and let people know what, who, and why we are here.
To accomplish things on a larger scale, we have to have some sort of direction and guidance. Which currently, this is exactly what makes us not an organized religion. I’m not suggesting we alter our believe system or make all witches choose one tradition. I’m just saying we need someone to help guide us in a direction of forward. Someone who can speak publically for the Goddess and God, a “Lady of the Lake” so to speak. I feel as though we’re stagnantly waiting for things to happen. That with good will and patience we can just wish things to change. Which, may be mostly true for individual levels, I feel like we need someone to help direct us foreword. To give us our goals, to help return daily enthusiasm to the God AND the Goddess.
With that, I leave you all for tonight. As soon as I get back into routine, Ill post more of my thoughts on the subject, and perhaps I’ll give a general outline on how I think Organized Wicca could work and would help us to get to the goal that the goddess had intended for us.
Blessed Be, Fae Kieran

May. 21st, 2010

The Fate of the Evening Star

The Evenstar

 

Ú i vethed nâ i onnad.
 Si boe ú-dhanna.
Ae ú-esteli, esteliach nad.

Ú i vethed nâ i onnad.
Nâ boe ú i.

Estelio han, estelio han, estelio,
estelio han, estelio veleth.
[Es]teliach nad, estelio han.

           

And so, the Evening star once again finds herself in Shadow. The light of the day once again lost, and betrayed once more by her heart. It is here her life is destined to stay. To forever light the night sky and fight off the darkness that surrounds her. There are those who have told her that this is no curse. That in darkness she stays, not as punishment, but to ensure that each night may be as light and beautiful as the day. Her sorrow is her own. If this is true, then what must be done to change her mind? Because if this pain is nothing but a choice of hers, and if it as simple as that, then why does this sorrow refuse to leave her flesh? To rack endlessly at her soul? Every day she grows weary with fighting off the darkness that the gods have laid at her feet. She trusts that the gods know as to what is best for her, and that her path is the one she is suppose to be on. But must everyday be a constant battle against loneliness and despair? Must she lie in waiting for the day when her own night is equal to the day? Is not this her life? Is this not her path? Who is it to say that she must spend it in darkness?  She is told by the wise women that she will be given whatever it is she asks for and that life is her choice and it is within her power to manifest her life.

            But what do wise women know of lifes true challenges?  They spend their days locked within their temples, studying books and lore. Have they ever wanted something so bad, that their very soul’s cry out for it, only to have their wishes fall to dust before them?  Have they ever given their very gift of life to someone only to have the man walk away, and leave them once again in the darkness alone? Even if they have, even if all life has at one time fell around them crushing them, why then do they still praise the light and the gods?  In what way are these beings any deserving of their love?

For so long she has felt like a plaything to the gods. Those she has cared about most have used her for their benefit, and then when they have taken what she has to offer they leave her. They move on with their life and become better people. It is true, she is happy for them. She is glad that she could help show the light to so many people, but such happiness does not compare to her own. Yes, it is selfish. But it is how she feels. Does she not deserve a shoulder to cry on but her own? Does she not deserve the sun to shine for her as it does now for the very same people she helped show that morning will come? She knows that morning will come for them, but why does it not come for her? Why is she stuck in eternal night?  She has been the light to so many who have found themselves walking along the shores of darkness, but why is she too forced to be her own light?  One woman can not deal with such darkness alone; it will be the death of her.

She refuses this sorrow; she refuses her life to sit on the edge of darkness alone anymore. How can the gods expect her to be happy, when she feels so incomplete and alone? How can they expect her to find joy in people taking from her and then leaving her once again?  Do they really expect that she should be happy for everyone else’s happiness, when she alone has no reason to smile?  When all she wants is to feel like she is on the right track with things *she* wants for herself, why does such a feeling escape her? Why, when she makes the effort to better her life, it is almost immediately taken away from her and she is forced again back in to solitude and darkness?  If it is true that she does possess the ability to manifest her own destiny, why does what she want elude her so? Such is the fate of the Evening Star.

May. 15th, 2010

All I ask of You




    I was asked recently, “What is it that you want?” because the only way you can get it, is if you know what it is. So I sat down and thought about it. What *IS* it that I want? A question easier asked than answered. One that required some thought. So, I fired up my laptop, and decided that It was time that I decided what it is that I seriously wanted in my life. It turns out that it took a lot more work than I thought it would. I guess Ill start with the simple things. What is the one thing that I feel that I need to be able to move on in the world. A Job. Yes, it’s material, and my journey is more of a spiritual one. I *know* that. However, unfortunately, in two years I would really like to *not* be living at home still scrounging off of my grandparents. I need a steady source of income that I can depend on to be able to afford my own place (or a place with friends).
    What would you like that job to be?
    Well, anything were I feel like my skills that the universe has given me are put to use. And My skills are many. Like, A craft store, or Occult Shop. A Book Store or where I am simply serving tables. I am dynamic, and these things are perfect applications of all the skills that the universe gave me and will help me to not only further myself materially but also help me spiritually. I don’t simply want a Job, It is something that I need.
    So, Faewynn, if you get a job, where is the “forward in life” you would like to be?

    Well, for starters, I would really like to be able to depend on myself. Even if I am still living in this house by the end of this year, I would like the means to support myself in it. Heck, I would even like to pay rent. I’m an adult now, and I should be able to do that. Any step in the direction of supporting myself would be any sign of “moving Forward in life”.  I would like to be able to pay for schooling to. I would really like to think that Massage Therapy would be a fantastic use of both my skills with healing, and my skills with people. Both completely given to me by the Universe.
    Would you like any sort of Relationships?
    Well, no one likes to be lonely. Answering that Honestly I would have to say, A relationship is deff on my list of things I would like. Love is important to me, and obviously effects me drastically, as how many relationships correspond with notable Mayan Calendar events. Now do I “need” one, No. I acknowledge the fact that I can survive without someone. However, this isn’t about things I need, but things that I want. I really like to feel like I am loved  in that personal relationship kind of way.
    What are you looking for in said Relationships?
    I think this is sort of a “Ill know it when I see it” type of thing. I want a Guy. Inside and out. He needs to be some what of that “typical guy” stereotype, while still maintaining much of an individual aspect. I would like him older then me of course, and taller if you can manage that. (Im 5.5ish btw) I don’t think I can label or type what Im looking for in someone with out making him sound to….perfect. I’m not looking for perfection, I’m simply looking for someone who can look past all that I lack, and still see that despite that, I can be the Girl that loves him for the rest of his life. Someone gentle enough to care about me, but still rough enough to supply some of my needs.
    Is there a time frame for all of this you would prefer?
    Well, Yes. I would really like to feel like I am up on my feet by the fall. I’m not looking for Ideal here, just something I can live with. Because right now, I’m not happy with where I am. So, in Fall, I would like to be in a different place, some where that is considerably more fulfilling.
    Any Spiritual/Emotional Goals you have in mind?
    Well, of course. I wouldn’t leave that I would I? (I prolly would if you hadn’t reminded me) I would like to be able to practice full time, Witchcraft. I currently do all Im able, and that is all that the Goddess Asks for I know, but I would like more. This is another reason I would like a job; So that I may buy the books, buy the herbs, and buy the craft making supplies so that I am in a much happier place religiously as well. 
    What is your main Goal?
    Stability. Plain and simple. Like I’ve said earlier, I’m really not asking for perfection. All I simply want is to feel like I am doing something with my life. I want to feel that I am making the effort to get to the places that I would like to be at. One day I would like to live in Ireland, to…open my own shop there. I would like to settle down, and have a family. Be a mother, a grandmother, and heck I might even make it to great grandmother. I’d like to work towards being able to start that shop one day. I would like to start making the crafts that I would sell. That is my life’s goal. To own a place of my own.

    I *do* trust that the universe will supply me with what I need along the path. To get to my ultimate goal. I know that it will take hard work and the road will be paved with my trials. I believe that everything happens for a reason, I know that is true. It is time to accept the past, and move on to the present. I am beautiful, strong, and have the power to manifest my own destiny.

Apr. 26th, 2010

Confessions of A Social Butterfly

  I'll be completely honest...since I left High school Two years ago I lived a relatively boring life. I mean Yes, I did things,,,and the things I did where great, but they were spread out and few. Since a month ago I had to burn a bridge that was proving more harm than good...for the third time (A girl never learns). While I cried, and honestly am still mostly miserable to the fact it was prolly one of the greatest things I'd done in a long time. Since then I have had a hugely busy and over planned and unorganized life. Damn you Mercury Retrograde.  I like it I do. I wasn't upset with life as it was, but I wasn't happy either. Im not sure if Im either of those things now or not Haha.
   I would like to be able to find a balance..a 'Stability' (there is that word again), of my life and a social life. Or at least be able to feel like I can deal with both. I mostly feel overworked and under paid (hint hint universe). So, you can understand completely why I feel like I should just quit. I'm doing all of the hard work with no benefits or overtime and it isn't a good thing. Sigh.

This wasn't suppose to be a rant, but it turned into one ahaha
I would just like...To feel like Im taking the steps into a life I can feel happy about. A life with a partner, and maybe a family. A Career that I enjoy and all of the normal things any girl wants. Im going to be 20 in a year...and I don't have any idea where I am?

So, if I'm not just crazy, it would be really nice to see the fruits of what I've been trying to get to. =x

Apr. 21st, 2010

Just one of those days...

Where it seems like everyone elses life is on track...except yours. It's one of those frustrating things, where everything that is right in their life just makes your own life look and feel that much worse. I mean, it's not like Im asking for things that are impossible...like unicorns or singing muffins. I mean, the things in my life that Im asking for are super simple; A steady job, a boyfriend, perhaps the ability to support myself by my own means...Really, these thing can't be hard. I mean, I DONT expect it to happen over night...by no means.  But, any step in the right direction, I will take. And honestly...I really don't care as much as I prolly should of what the Universe "thinks" my life should be like...things that it deems "necessary" for me to do, or expereience. And, it's not like Im expecting these things on a silver platter either. I go out there...I meet new people, I fill out applications, I DO try.
In even more honesty, I kind of really don't care for what the universe wants me to do. I mean yes it IS an important task, but Im unhappy...like pathetically unhappy. Like, crying every time Im alone, unhappy. I absolutly HATE where I am. I mean yes...Im thankful for everything the universe has done for me. Thankful for the gifts its given me, and everyday I praise the goddess in my own way. But...does that keep me warm at night...does it keep me from crying? Does it get me away from this molding house filled with cigarette toxins 40 years+? No. And like I said, it's not like Im not trying...it's not like it's impossible.
I've been waiting for too long for something to get better, but it's only getting worse. My best friend is married...pregnant, and with a man who supports her. The man *I* thought I wanted to marry turned out to be someone completely different...Everywhere around me, i see people who are finding love, or building their lives together. Being a mother, taking care of a family. Having a life that I want..and it's not even older people..infact my best friend is younger than me...So, do you SEE why I think Im hard to love? or that Im just destined to spend my life miserable and lonely?  
You're telling me..that there isn't ONE person in the almost 7billion people on this planet that can love me?
or..there isn't ONE place in the zillion work enviorment's that is willing to see past my "differences" and hiar me?
Wtf universe? Like i said, you would think that Im asking for unicorns and singing muffins.
And Im really tired of hearing "it's not time" or other ridiculous comforting techniques. As stated earlier, Im really not sure...that I want to do what the universe wants me to If I have to travel down this road to get there. Unfortunately, Im going to have to be selfish. I refuse to sacrifice the things I want in this life, for "the greater good"..especially if it means I have to be give up my personal happiness for people who prolly don't deserve it anyways.
You think, that the Universe would at least understand that after putting me in this bloody body. I mean..what in the would could *this* possibly be punishment for? And it may not be punishment but that is EXACTLY what it feels like. The universe must've thought that obviously my life wasn't going to be hard enough being normal...so lets just dump all of this on her plate and see what happens. Seriously..wtf?


Fae Kieran

Apr. 13th, 2010

What A Girl Wants




       A lot of girls will go on and on about their idea of their 'soul-mate' or their true love. Some women will go so far as to have a checklist of their man they consider to be everything that they need. Trust me, I was one of them. However after some serious soul searching of my own I've came to one very surprising conclusion. In all of the list I forgot to mention the one thing that I truly really needed. After spending the better part of my short lived adult life waiting for a guy, and journeying on a roller coaster that was anything but amusing I've came to the conclusion that what I really need out of life is simple. No list, no perfect description, none of that. I really only need one thing. Stability.

      Now, Don't get me wrong Stability does entail a whole other slew of descriptions but it all comes down to that. I mean, is there anything else we can ask from life? We spend our whole lives looking for that perfect man but in all reality he doesn't exist. What every relationship has to have to succeed is Stability. Not just on the mans side either, woman have to bring some stability to the table too. Far to often both parties are just unstable and as such they build dependencies and co-dependencies on one another and that makes for a stressful relationship. You should be able to be comfortable with yourself alone, before you can expect to find a relationship in which you are comfortable sharing yourself with someone. We need that balance in our lives to be truly fulfilled an happy.

      Matters of the heart have always been the most important to every race. The idea of love and happiness, fulfillment and pleasure. It is the essence of the foundation in which we have built our entire surroundings. Our search for knowledge, and the bigger picture it is only to reach out and say "look at me, I'm here, I'm important. See me as Important". But, we have to learn to work on ourselves if we are to expect anything from other people.

Blessed Be
Fae

Apr. 2nd, 2010

Some Fresh Air




I have to say, I enjoyed myself tonight. It had been quite some time that I had been out and actually enjoyed myself and the company I kept. It was weird though, before they got here I was really nervous. "What if they don't like the person I became?". I had butterflies. But, from the second I got in the car, the universe kept telling me that it was good, it was right and to allow myself to be...me. After all, I AM pretty awesome ;] I'm also excited at the possibility of getting some craft buddies. It would be so nice to enjoy the company of fellow witches and not feel like I need to impress them some how. I don't even think we'll be casting much "spells" but then again you really don't need spells at all to honor the goddess. Baking some Cookies, and drinking some tea will be plenty I'm sure. Of course, On Sabbats we could don ourselves in flower crowns and go spend a moonlit night on the beach...just taking in the energy. Who knows, the possibilities are endless.

I have done a lot of rearranging and personal development over the last few years, and even MORE so over the last five months. I'm happy that I can see the cards of my efforts play out before me. It's a good feeling to feel like you belong; the universe works in mysterious ways and that is a fact. Who knew, that all the things that I would face would've brought me to this place. Just two weeks ago..life was so dim, so...lifeless...for a lack of a better word. But, I can tell that now things are beginning to turn around. It would be 10 times MORE fantastic if I had a job to go along with that...Just saying. Sigh, I should wait till the next waxing moon to cast another spell though. =/ I suppose it's for the best. I'm right where I'm suppose to be. Or, at least that's what I keep telling myself. I need to fill out more applications...it would be GREAT if a job would just ya'know, fall on my lap. It would be awesome in fact. But unfortunately the universe and the goddess don't have a reputation in just handing things to you in a silver platter. I wish.

In other news, My garden is blossoming beautifully. I will post pictures here, facebook, and SFAWC asap.

Blessed Be,
Fae Kieran

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