Log in

No account? Create an account

Just one of those days...

Where it seems like everyone elses life is on track...except yours. It's one of those frustrating things, where everything that is right in their life just makes your own life look and feel that much worse. I mean, it's not like Im asking for things that are impossible...like unicorns or singing muffins. I mean, the things in my life that Im asking for are super simple; A steady job, a boyfriend, perhaps the ability to support myself by my own means...Really, these thing can't be hard. I mean, I DONT expect it to happen over night...by no means.  But, any step in the right direction, I will take. And honestly...I really don't care as much as I prolly should of what the Universe "thinks" my life should be like...things that it deems "necessary" for me to do, or expereience. And, it's not like Im expecting these things on a silver platter either. I go out there...I meet new people, I fill out applications, I DO try.
In even more honesty, I kind of really don't care for what the universe wants me to do. I mean yes it IS an important task, but Im unhappy...like pathetically unhappy. Like, crying every time Im alone, unhappy. I absolutly HATE where I am. I mean yes...Im thankful for everything the universe has done for me. Thankful for the gifts its given me, and everyday I praise the goddess in my own way. But...does that keep me warm at night...does it keep me from crying? Does it get me away from this molding house filled with cigarette toxins 40 years+? No. And like I said, it's not like Im not trying...it's not like it's impossible.
I've been waiting for too long for something to get better, but it's only getting worse. My best friend is married...pregnant, and with a man who supports her. The man *I* thought I wanted to marry turned out to be someone completely different...Everywhere around me, i see people who are finding love, or building their lives together. Being a mother, taking care of a family. Having a life that I want..and it's not even older people..infact my best friend is younger than me...So, do you SEE why I think Im hard to love? or that Im just destined to spend my life miserable and lonely?  
You're telling me..that there isn't ONE person in the almost 7billion people on this planet that can love me?
or..there isn't ONE place in the zillion work enviorment's that is willing to see past my "differences" and hiar me?
Wtf universe? Like i said, you would think that Im asking for unicorns and singing muffins.
And Im really tired of hearing "it's not time" or other ridiculous comforting techniques. As stated earlier, Im really not sure...that I want to do what the universe wants me to If I have to travel down this road to get there. Unfortunately, Im going to have to be selfish. I refuse to sacrifice the things I want in this life, for "the greater good"..especially if it means I have to be give up my personal happiness for people who prolly don't deserve it anyways.
You think, that the Universe would at least understand that after putting me in this bloody body. I mean..what in the would could *this* possibly be punishment for? And it may not be punishment but that is EXACTLY what it feels like. The universe must've thought that obviously my life wasn't going to be hard enough being normal...so lets just dump all of this on her plate and see what happens. Seriously..wtf?

Fae Kieran